Last week I turned 34. I had to stop for a minute to work out old how old I am exactly. I seriously have forgotten how old I am.
Last week my grandma passed away. Although I’m not close to her, my heart still dropped. I called my Dad to see how he was and to comfort him. I can only imagine how sad my dad is to lose his mum and my heart ached so much for him. His voice sounded ok the first few sentences but when he said, ” Grandma couldn’t wait for me to come back to see me the last time .. “, his voice drifted and he broke down and cried. He quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone. My heart breaks. It really did. I sat in my study room and cried.
I’m sitting here writing now and I can still hear him crying in my head.
A few months ago Dad asked if I would like to go back to Vietnam for a couple of days so my little sister can go to Vietnam too. My grandma wished to see her. Without hesitation I said I can’t because I can’t leave my kids. I have never been away from them overnight and plus I had a few weddings booked. Dad was very understanding and never ask again.
That conversation remains in my head. And it’s my decision to that request that makes me look at life in a different perspective. Sadly, it’s a perspective I wish I didn’t see.
I spoke to Quoc about it. I feel really guilty. I feel guilty for not going. I said to Quoc ” It’s so cruel. Just seeing how much you love Alannah now and how you would go everywhere she wish to go because you love her. You will never say no to her. Just imagine one day, you just want to spend some time with her and she said no because she loves her kids too much to leave them for a few days. No matter what you say, your heart will hurt. It’s natural. I just did that to my own Dad. Life’s so cruel. I’m so cruel.”
It’s so heart wrenching to see that. I’m a terrible daughter. I used to watch this video and cried. I feel so sorry for all parents. I think this is what all parents will have to go through. Life’s cruel. I can only hope that when it’s my turn, I can be as understanding as my dad is to me on that day.
I can’t comprehend how life changes.
I can’t comprehend life and death.
I can’t comprehend how time can change things around.
I can’t comprehend not being able to see you the person you love ever again. Ever again.
There’s so much I can’t comprehend now at this age.